QOTD, Celebacy, The Pill, D&R Math, Neighbors, and Quotes...

Quote of the Day

"When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'" - Rita Rudner

The Vow of Celebracy

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

How To Give Your Pet A Pill...

How To Give Your Cat A Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give Your Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

D&R Math

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway - your waiter may know YOUR AGE BY 'DINER & RESTAURANT MATH'


This is pretty neat (?)
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read .

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.

(more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758.
If you haven't, add 1757.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number.


The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)


The next two numbers are...



YOUR AGE! ------ (Oh YES, it is!)

Mountain Neighbors...

Dan, a 35 year old new york stock broker had made it so big on Wall Street that he was able to retire at a young age. Using his wealth, he buys a small cottage in the vermont mountains. After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.

"May I help you," Dan asks.

"The name's Jim, I live 'bout two miles down the road in my cabin," the man says.

"I'm having a party this coming Saturday and I thought I'd invite you seein' that you're new and all here."

Dan accepts the inviation saying, "Great, I haven't been out in six months."

Jim says "I gotta warn ya, there's gon' be a lot a drinkin at this party."

"Well, I've been to all the bars in New York and have held my ground with the best of them," Dan replies.

"A lot of fightin' goes on that these parties too," Jim says.

Dan replies "well, it'll be nice to get out and I think I can hold my own."

Jim offers, "there's also gon' be some wild love making."

"Well I have been alone for the last six months," Dan says with a laugh.

So the two exchange numbers and directions and just as Jim is walking away Dan says "What should I wear?"

Jim turns and replies, "Whatever you want, just gon' be us two."

Strange Insults & Quotes


I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body. - Walter Matthau (to Barbra Streisand)

Elizabeth Taylor looks like two small boys fighting underneath a thick blanket. - Mr. Blackwell

She's like an apple turnover that got crushed in a grocery bag on a hot day. - Camille Paglia (about Drew Barrymore)

It's a new low for actresses when you have to wonder what's between her ears instead of her legs. - Katherine Hepburn (about Sharon Stone)

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered. - Johnny Carson