QOTD, Mental Hospital, Poetry Contest, Education, Quotes, and Birth Control...

Quote of the Day

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." - Charles M. Schulz

******* ******* ******* ******** *********

The State Mental Hospital.

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and
Your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
And a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic- depressive, hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
Nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
Or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
Hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done . Your turn!!)

******* ******* ******* ******** *********

Poetry Contest

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

******* ******* ******* ******** *********

The Vow of Celebracy

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

******* ******* ******* ******** *********

You might be in Education if...


1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.

4. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child you do not know and correct their behavior.

5. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

6. You think people should be required to get a government permit to reproduce.

7. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge".

8. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

9. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

10. You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

11. You want to choke a person who says, "Oh, you must have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."

12. Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

******* ******* ******* ******** *********

Strange Celeb Quotes:

You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat. - Mike Tyson

The one thing I do not want to be called is First Lady. It sounds like a saddle horse. - Jaqueline Kennedy

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. - Joan Rivers

I'd rather be dead than singing "Satisfaction" when I'm forty-five. - Mick Jagger

It's a drag having to wear socks during matches, because the tan, like, stops at the ankles. I can never get my skin, like, color coordinated. - Monica Seles

Sometimes I feel like an old hooker. - Cher

******* ******* ******* ******** *********

IRISH BIRTH CONTROL

Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey , how are ye these d ays?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'