10 easy steps to win online poker tournaments

Hi all i would just like to lend some helpful advice to my fellow railbirds on how to win online poker tournaments.

1. Make sure you get at least 36 - 48 hours sleep leading up to the tournament. Not many people are capable of sleeping for such an extended period, these people are destined to lose in online poker.

2. The morning you wake up, it is IMPERATIVE that you eat a whole cooked chicken in one sitting, or a roast ham if chicken is unavailable. Wash this down with my special protein shake consisting of 1 dozen eggs, 6 cups of spirulana, a handful of wheatgrass, 2 carrots, half a bowl of spinach, and 2 litres of neopolitan icecream (minus the strawberry) and to top it off a pureed T-Bone steak. (blend until you acheive the desired consitency).

3. Once you have finished the protein shake go to the toilet for 33-41 minutes this is to expel any toxins your body may have acquired during the pre-tournament hibernation period.

4. Text or e-mail your signifacnt other and inform them that your relationship is now over. Never do this on the phone or in person as you can't afford any distractions (eg. crying) before the first hand is dealt. If you are married call your lawyer before the hibernation period and get divorce proceedings underway.

5. Make sure your computer is in a severley isolated place as to avoid any phone calls, deliveries, friends coming over (tournament winners don't have friends). I find a forest, cellar or attic works best.

6. 1 hour before the tournament log in to your desired poker site and register for your tournament, also look up every player that registers for said tournament on official poker rankings or sharkscope. Make MENTAL notes on all players. don't write these notes down paper and pens are distracting.

7. Avoid all fluids during the tournament, this is to prevent any unexpected toilet breaks during a hand. Alternatively keep a couple of empty coca-cola bottles lying around. (Coke bottles only). I find this method extremely effective.

8. Sit down at your computer fifteen minutes before your tournament starts and visualise the cards you want to get (AA, KK, QQ (maybe). If you visualise these hands hard enough and your mind and body are in sync you will get them 92.36549% of the time.

9. On the first hand of the tournament, push all-in regardless of your holding. (Your hand should be aces if you have followed my steps anyway). This is a very important thing as it establishes fear equity and you pick up the all important blinds. Thus giving you an early chip lead and a great opportunity to be a bully.

10. Last but not least.....Don't get busted.

follow these 10 easy steps an watch the $$$$ roll in.

GL on the felts