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A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book!"

What fortuitous timing......

Just as I start to read this blog but what shall appear?

A spammed joke from a friend on Yahoo!

LOL

Timing is EVERYTHING!!!!!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cargo!
Cargo who?
CarGo Beep Beep!

jsc88310 finished ITM in a tournament

Lol D. Do you have room for anymore banners on your page? If you want one then PM me with what you want it to look like, and I will make it.

I will accept 1 more winner also!

Ha ha jsc! Ok I may have to make a few more.

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth

Dolly Parton


And Queen Elizabeth




Die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.


Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity.'



The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,



Shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.



The angel chuckles and says, 'Okay, Your Maj esty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the angel,






But, even in Heaven,
A royal flush




Beats a pair

- no matter how big they are !!.

See what happens if you sleep around ~~

It's always the kids that suffer...His name is Zonkey

I had a bunch of Australian dollars that I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local ANZ.

I chose the shortest line: just one guy in front of me.

He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars & he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller: "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty."

The teller says: “Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says: "Yeah, Fluc you white guys too!"

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative


2. Preliminary


3. Proliferation


4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Specificity


2. Anti-constitutionally


3. Passive-aggressive disorder


4. Transubstantiate

ò

ò

ò

ò

ò

ò

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. No thanks, I'm married...


2. Nope, no more booze for me!


3. Sorry, but you're not really my type...


4. Doner Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry...


5. Good evening, Officer... Isn't it lovely out tonight?


6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing Karaoke...


7. I'm not interested in fighting you!


8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a Fool!


9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to Pee in this car park or on the side of the road.


10. I must be going home now, as I have to Work in the morning.

I love it t9!

Aaw how cute is Zonkey?

Thank you all!

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

t9 is the other winner! Congrats! PM me with what you'd like. If I have more time then I'll make banners for more of you guys. Thank you so much!

Lesson 1:


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:


If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.



The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry, sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:


If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.



The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'



'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world!'



Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up next,' the Genie says to the manager.




The manager says: 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:


Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'



The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.



All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:


To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5


A turkey was chatting with a bull:


'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'



'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:


Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.


A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:


(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

incase u need another laugh lottie:

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding ..

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer! : I see ..Can I see your vehicle registration papers please .

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!


Don't Mess With Old Ladies

renegade_rott I luved lesson 6

A CANADIAN JOKE!

What di the BEAVER say after his house broke?

DAM!!!

hahahahahahahaha