Hi again!

So some of you noticed (by my inbox I could tell) that I had not been around much these past 2 weeks really. So I really feel the need to explain myself. After my friend Lindsay died, more bad news came my way. The man who had originally got me into dancing passed away from a heart attack. He went the way he wanted to, in his office with a Cigar in one hand and a group of hot girls sitting on his lap. He was 87 so he led a full life (and the stories I could tell would prove it LOL). Then came the news that a friend down in Kansas isn't doing well with his ciriossis (cant spell today so that liver disease caused by alchoholism). Coming so close on the heels of Lindsay's circumstances it threw me. This year alone I have had to say goodbye to too many friends. Car accidents, Iraq, Afghanistan, motorcycle accidents, alchoholism, cancer have left me bewildered and heart broken.

I wasn't playing as well as usual. I would easily give up my chips after a few minutes of play because I couldn't get into the game. I couldn't focus. I went to live games and couldn't read a hand to save my life. And my daily routine had become robotic. I got up, when I had to work I went to work, faked a smile, when I didn't have to work I got online and found myself staring at the computer and would realize that an hour had gone by and I had done nothing. I was falling into a hole.

After all the services, memorials, memorials pool tournaments, memorial poker tournaments I had attended I had let myself become numb.

It was the wisdom of an older gentleman that frequents my bar that helped me start snapping out of. He said "None of us are guarenteed our time here, people are gonna come and go but they are never really gone they are in our hearts and minds." And I got ANGRY. More mad then I had ever been in my life. How could this old man tell ME how to feel, that it will get better! I wanted to scream at him! Kick him in the shin! Do something to make him hurt as badly as I have been. And he said "GOOD! You're mad! Now, I will tell you a story" And he told me of watching his wife and two daughters die of breast cancer. How he lost friends in the war right next to him. And then he said "That anger you feel, thats your brain telling you that YOU are still alive and that life doesn't stop it keeps going" And my anger was gone. And I cried. It was like the gate opening, I had always allowed myself to cry a little for my friends but had to be the strong one so I would stifle it and ignore it.

After I was done I wasn't mad at him anymore. Sure i was still angry that my friends had to go away but there was a little bit of happyness there as well that none of them were suffering anymore. I envy them a little now because they have it good! No bills, no issue with the economy, don't have to choose the lesser of both evils for a president. And I have now come to realize that I am gonna miss them, and this is gonna hurt for a long time. But, I will be here until I get my work done as well and then we will all party in the afterworld together. Tonight I do wish my angels wern't in heaven right now, but I am glad they are watching over me.