Lines, and Parrot, and Woman's Dictionary...

PICK-UP LINES

1 Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the
receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2 Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't
know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3 Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No
thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

4 The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No
thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked
you."

5 Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's
in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman:
"That's in the phone book too."

6 Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female
impersonator."

7 Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places
with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I
also love sex. What do you say to that?" Woman: "Hmmm...you
really love sex and travel?" Man: (nods his head smiling)
Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"

8 I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying
to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a
railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he
merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta
have her standards."

9 Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like
to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais
je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to
wear

10 Q: What sign were you born under? A: No Parking.

11 A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.

12 And here's one including the correct snappy return Man: "How
do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized,
***** off!"

13 After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach,
now let's see your departure."

14 A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's
approach her in a club while she was in college with the line,
"Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him
and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born
yet."

15 A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over
vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a
girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me,
"What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came
to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was
mistaken."

16 While at college, a few friends were discussing how their
"passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient.
One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the
guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like,
"Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same
reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He
immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look
someplace else.

17 The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone,
when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed
huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman
turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened
them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her
hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner
plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher
line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?"

18 "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

19 Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a
really good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your
mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen!

A Woman's Dictionary...

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.