Tough Friendship
1. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you
2. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in
3. When you are scared -- we will high tail it out of here.
4. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
6. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
7. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off.
8. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask – because you are my FRIEND! Friendship is like peeing your pants - everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
This is TheOldGuy, reminding you sometimes a friend is there to pick you up when you crash.
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Strange Things to Ponder
Tell me this....
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
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Horror Movie Safety Tips...
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
7. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short-circuits; just get out.
8. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
9. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
11. If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Sunnydale, Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, and Nilbog, anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
13. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
14. As a general rule for all movies, beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased friends.
15. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
16. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
17. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
18. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET OUT!
19. If you find an unmarked video tape, DVD or computer game DO NOT PLAY IT, bad things are bound to happen
20. If you are walking through the forest and find a large, squishy egg shaped object, DO NOT TOUCH IT, it will almost certainly contain the larva stage of some hideous alien invader that will kill you, mutate your body or take control of your mind (or any combination of the three).
21. Always listen to the Geek, smart kid, dying scientist or old psycho hermit wizard. These people usually know everything to do with whatever is following you, trying to kill you or trying to open the Gates of Hell.
© Copyright 2008
11 comments
That was great, thanks for sharing, my personal favourite though
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
Have been amused from begin till end thanks.
2. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in
Friendship is like peeing your pants - everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.