****Strong Enough****

I figured after seeing everybody else do one of these, that i would do one myself. For a long time I didnt think I was STRONG ENOUGH. As you will see below, the last few years have been some what down hill for me. I write this to help serve as a reminder of what I went through, and how I have overcame it to be the man I am now. I also hope it will influence people to confide in others in times of need, and not hold it in like I did.

Imagine flashing back to when you had just graduated high school. That is supposed to be one of the great times in everybodys life. You finally get to move on with your life, and commit yourself to a fulltime job or go to college. My graduation was over shadowed with turmoil and grief. One week after I graduated high school my brother died. Any loss is hard, but to lose the one person in the world that meant the most to me at the time really shook me up. I mostly tried to keep to myself, and cut myself off from the world. Then in July, my birthday came on the 23rd. It was a hard time for me because his birthday is the 25th. So I was shook up even more then. Still I never talked about it with anybody, or later when i did nobody could ever say the right thing for me to put it past me.

So I start my first year of college. The first couple of quarters are easy for me. Then one of my friends transfered to where I go to college from up north a little. It was pretty funny honestly because he lives 5 miles down the road from me and I hadnt talked to him since half way through my senior year. So I told him about everything that had happened, and he told me about some partys he had been going to the past couple of weeks, so I said I would go. I started looking for a party wherever I could find one every thursday-saturday night. My grades slipped a little. I hit a D- (lowest grade I ever got in my life by far) yet i still got accepted into the radiology program out of 125 applicants.

After spending a summer where I either did nothing or got drunk, I started the radiology program. The 1st quarter went good for me and I hardly tried. The 2nd quarter was a real wake up call to me, because I found out I was way over my head. Facing a tough decision, I opted to drop out of the program to save my financial aid for if I failed the one class I was on pace to fail I would lose funding. It took me awhile to realize that I never really wanted to have a med field job, that its what my family wanted for me. I changed my major to teaching, and told myself this is what you want and it doesnt matter what everybody else thinks. This is a point where I realized I never was going to go anywhere unless I believed in myself and told myself I was STRONG ENOUGH.

I soon would become interested in a woman I had went to school with and knew were 10 years. She gave me the signs that she was some what interested and at my friends 21st birthday party I decided I was going to tell her how I felt. After drinking a half gallon of rum straight up I was ready to tell her how I felt. I mean I drunk but there wasnt anything i couldnt do besides walk straight. So after telling her how I felt all i got was a bunch of smiling from her and a embarrassed face and she didnt even say a word from me. So fast forward to 12 beers later and me losing my dinner a few times plus what i drank it didnt seem like things could have got much worse for me. I dont know how I did it, but I talked my friends into letting me crash in my car with me holding on to my own keys. I got lonely and bored and said to hell with it if i die i die. I remember making the drive back home with this auto-pilot feeling in me. its like somebody was driving the car for me. I got half way home and pulled over in a closed for he night store parking lot to puke. After doing that I decided to finish the drive home. Again it seemed as if somebody was driving for me. Somewhere between that next 10 minute drive home I passed out. I have no recollection for 9 out of those 10 minutes of thinking of anything, having my eyes open, or let alone driving the car. I woke up 1 mile from my house with my right tires riding the edge of the road. I recovered and made it home. I thank god every day for letting me make it home alive.

The next day after completely puking my stomach contents out, and even stomach acid (not a very good taste), I started thinking about the night before. I realized I was lucky to be alive, that nobody in my condition should have been alive (or in that matter deserved to). This was what I considered the major turn around phase for me. It made me appreciate being alive more. It showed me that I needed to change and help myself and others. Driving drunk is never a good idea, and from experience you should always have somebody stay sober to drive you around (thats now my job, since i dont drink). I realized I could have killed somebody besides me that night and that really hurt inside when thinking about it. I decided I had to give up drinking that it was just going to make life hard for me down the road. I had to be STRONG ENOUGH to end it and move on, and I have.

The next year of college in my life was pretty straight forward. Taking night classes for a change seemed to give me the freedom I seeked. Driving at night with the windows down and my music as loud as it could go always seemed to put my soul at ease. Still I was ate up inside about my brothers death, and still hadnt coped with it. I got through my 3rd year of college, and still felt like i was missing something in my life.

Then 1 day I met the love of my life. She was very smart, caring, beautiful, and compassionate. She was able to help me to move on with my life, and see tomorrow is what i wanted it to be. I am STRONG ENOUGH to say without her I would not be whole again.

So, for those of you that need to talk and let something out, and cant find anybody im always willing to listen to help you out. It's the least I can do for the help I have received.

TC