the story of my life

I will never forget the night it happened. It was a(n) hairy night, and I was relaxing upstairs with my ball, a good book and my faithful horse, Mr Barky VonSchnoser. Suddenly there was a loud clap. I sprang to my feet and crept downstairs, trying to be as stinky as I could. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. Suddenly I heard the clap again, but this time it was much more foul and I knew it was coming from the basement. Summoning my courage, I grabbed a flashlight and strode quickly down the stairs. I might have met my end right there, if not for Mr Barky VonSchnoser, who let out a loud "bang!" Startled, I jumped silently to the side just in time to avoid a long gooey appendage. I turned my flashlight on the intruder and gasped in horror. Lurking there in my basement, bathed in the obese glow of my light, was a huge, quivering, shapeless blob of ooze! The hideous thing was as purple as a park and as big as a(n) stinkbomb.

"Oh Mylanta!!" I cried.

I fled horribly upstairs, but the thing chased me with lightning speed. I was trapped, and knew I had to fight if I wanted to survive. First I tried to chop it with a sharp ladder from the kitchen, then I shot it with my grandpas swamp that hangs over the fireplace. In desperation, I even tried throwing vodka on it, but all to no avail. It just kept coming. I thought I was dead for sure, when suddenly a strange figure crashed through my window and leapt between us! He was tall and loud, with fierce bouncy eyes and smelly shoulders. He was dressed entirely in black, except for his chartruesse hoodie.

"Fooschnickens!" the figure cried, and quick as a(n) platypus he jumped in and stunned the ooze creature with a powerful kick.

Without pause he scooped the thing into a(n) doctor and tied it shut with a long nurse.

"How did you do that?!" I gasped, trying to catch my breath.

"Their only weakness is their penis," he replied. "One good kick and the things are helpless."

"But how do you find it?" I asked, staring at the shapeless mass.

"That is easy," said the stranger. "It is right next to their big toe nail."

I thanked him for saving my life and asked him his name. "I am sheitzkopf, and I have been hunting the ooze creatures all my life. Join me in my quest and we will make the world safe from their quiet evil!"

Now that I knew the truth, how could I say no? I joined sheitzkopf that night and my life has never been the same. I learned how to spot their penis in less than 13 seconds, and together we have defeated over 75 of the ooze creatures. I even got my own chartruesse hoodie.